The Beautiful Pool

Everything you really need to know about the 4 semi-finalists (Taken from  The Onion):

BRAZIL

Strength: As host country, team will play in the stadium least likely to collapse at any moment

Weaknesses: Only qualified for World Cup through back door as tournament hosts; Nation will probably fall into total anarchy regardless of team’s performance

Roster: Contains a record seven “Next Pele”s

World Cup History: Has never advanced past championship match in seven tries

Official Team Suffix: “-inho”

THE NETHERLANDS

Strength: Spent past two years perfecting the hell out of heel kicks

Weakness: Wooden clogs slow players down considerably during matches

Preferred Grass Height: Between 51.436mm and 51.438mm

Nickname Of Somebody On Team, Probably: Flying Dutchman

Fun Fact: Media pronunciation guide for players’ names over 3,000 pages in length

GERMANY

Strength: Winning balls in the air by parachuting into stadium

Weakness: Crippling fear of disappointing Angela Merkel

Manager: German guy, but different German guy from U.S. coach

Number Of Umlauts On Roster: 47

Biggest Advantage: Drawn in pretty easy World Cup group

Team Nickname: The German International Soccer Team

ARGENTINA

Strengths: Has a player you’ve heard of; Impeccable teamwork while crowding ref to complain about call

Weakness: Not a single player on team has ascended to professional ranks of MLS

Lionel: Messi

Major Rivals: Brazil; England; Duke

Trademark Goal Celebration: Jumping on top of one another while freaking the fuck out

Memorable World Cup Moment: In 1986 God attempts to kill Diego Maradona, only to miss and send the ball into England’s goal